My fears and hurts

Today is a new day and it started off early, happy, exciting... until I stepped outside and saw it snowing... I thought oh great look how fast and heavy its falling. I started to get nervous and scared. I knew I had to get going. My defrost was not helping me out by still being broke (getting the part I need very soon!) and as fast as I was wiping the snow off my windshield, it was flying fadt at my windshild! My visibility was very limited, I can feel my car want to side, jerk, and sway because the snow was making the roads slick. I was readt to turn around but I knew work is my priority as well. I took my time and pulled to the side of the road to call my boss, to let her know what was going on. If it keeps it up, I am going to need to take something to help me relax when I drive... maybe even sit as a passenger. I get really anxious when I drive because I been in two accidents, a year and a half apart, two miles apart, both headibg south on the highway going home. Bith acvidents were terrifying and totaled my first car with bad scraoes, brusing, and few breaks in my finger knuckles. The second one was only couple weeks ago, my second car damage was only to the drivers side front area and flared up my arthritis. That was still pretty scary and apparently got my nerves scarred too (ha ha). I was so happy and feltnso safe when I got to work. 

I love my consumers and working with them. I work mostly as sleep staff for a company that works with people with developmental disabilities. So, this covers quite a bit in the area. This job can take a toll on you. Not becausenof the people you work for but sometimes because of the staff too. That is for another day! I get to watch them prepare the day, do chores, and help make lunch together. Here soon I am going to shovel some snow so that I can make sure the safety of my consumers if we happen to go out. 

Today, I saw my aunt post a picture on facebook of my grandpa and grandma on my mothers side. I did not get many chances to get to know them but my grandpa died in 2000, and my grandma died in 2008 on my birthday. I miss them alot more these past couple years and I did not get a chance to go to their funerals because of school and lived in another state. I wish I got the chance to se my grandmother before she died but I was under a lot of stress of starting my first semester at college and my real bio mom was giving me issues. When I get into my depressions, the first thing I notice is that I start to miss those who were very close to me. I would miss my deceased grandparents, my sister, my niece, my bio dad, and this person who went to my church that has died two years ago. My sister , niece, and bio dad is still alive but are distant. When I get to working and being at school a lot I will miss my "adopted" mom and dad another story for another time), my pets, and my boyfriend. I feel like I do have an issue with feeling abandoned, lost, and I hate losing people that is close to me. Something people do not understand. My sister and I been through a lot and she stopped talking to mee off and on these past two years where it drove me nuts and to tears. I cry each time we drop her off at her home after a visit. I cry everytime after my dad leaves to go home means I see him maybr once a year. When my boyfriend and I start to have issues, I get to worry and cry and cling because I worry I am going to lose him because of me, means I know I can be a handful. I know though, I do not make all the mistakes. I got a lot to work on.

Here is a frustration:

I do not like being constantly questioned about. I do not like it when people question why I like things, why I created things, why the name?, etc. I feel like I am being judged and that bothers me and I feel hurt. I view things one way, and you another. Sometimes people will not change the way they think no matter what. Well, please... when you question me and my motives... do not judge on it, do not make fun of it, etc. Question me because you are curious and want to learn and see my point of view... not your own! 
 

Speaking of pains...

#2 reason why my homework does not get accomplished: I cannot focus when all I can think of is how I am uncomfortable and in pain :/ I am working on this issue, but people are making it very hard on me! Grr! Pain pill time and adjusting myself every other minute.

#1 reason why my homework does not get accomplished: My ADHD in general XD

Something new

This is something new to me I want to try to see if I like it. I been trying to find ways to post about how I feel about things without being judged. I also want others to read that I am not possibly who they think I am but somebody else maybe that can relate to or understand why I do what I do. I feel as though people judge me and treat me differently for number of reasons. And I know I can be obnoxious, bad listener, poor grammar skills, not the smartest (or the tallest), I say all the wrong things, and I can not remember anything or pay attention. People think I take them for granted, I am conceited, I have a lot of friends, I am whining, I just want attention, I am young, I am stupid, naive,  immature, and much more. That is not the case or true. I want people to relate to me and I want to relate to them, but sometimes... that is hard for me to do and I end up trying to hard and making a complete fool out of myself, getting hurt, rejected, judged, and walked all over. 

Here is another thing. I am the most sweetest, perkiest, shortest, fun- loving person ever! So, with that being said: I am opening up myself to a whole new world. Most people do not think twice about what I think but assume what I think and view me in a way that I do not want them too. With this blog, I want to reach out to others, have them understand me, learn something new about me, spark a new friendship, or maybe learn that there is someone else they can relate to with a certain thing and we can talk about it and help each other :) 

I love helping others out! I do my best to put people first! So, again, this is why I am doing this  blog. :) Enjoy!

*Edit: Today's fun events: doing homework, spending time with the best family ever, get ready for tomorrow, take some sleep aid, go to bed to watching Law and Order or disney channel, and wake up at 4:30am to get myself ready for job#3 and be with my consumer! <3